Introducing My Progressive Son to My Conservative Boyfriend ? The ...

My longhaired son Alexander

As many of you already know, I have begun to get serious about a conservative cowboy named Steve. I love the man, and he loves me. This is remarkable, some of you tell me, because I have always been such an outspoken progressive ? in my writings, in my public speaking, on the Mario Solis Marich talk radio show, where I am a regular commentator, and even on CNN?s Anderson Cooper 360, where I have more than once gone toe-to-toe with xenophobes.

All I can tell you is that love comes when she comes, and there?s not a whole heck of a lot you can do about it.

I can also tell you that this relationship has been very good for me in a lot of ways, opening my eyes, heart, mind and soul to a different way of being. Put simply, I am in a cross-cultural relationship, where culture is assumed in its truest sense of the word as differences of norms and customs. Steve?s conservative cowboy culture is very different from my urban progressive one. This does not mean either one of us is right or wrong. It just means we are different. We have been able to make our relationship work, so far, by accepting these differences, and by walking away from arguments we know neither of us will win.

This weekend, Steve is finally going to meet my son Alexander for the first time, here in the city. Steve and I talked about how this might go down, and he let me know that in his culture it would be appropriate and appreciated for my son to refer to him upon first meeting him as ?Mr. Lane,? rather than Steve. ?Where I?m from, and the way I was raised, it is unthinkable for a child to refer to an adult by his first name when first meeting him,? says Steve. ?It?s basic respect.?

I conveyed this information to my son, who, in addition to having been raised without any such rules or expectations, lives in a progressive university neighborhood (called by local realtors ?the People?s Republic of 87106?) and goes to a school where all the kids call their teachers ? even the principal ? by their first names. My son balked at the request for a ?Mister? from him.

?Why do I have to do that?? he asked, wrinkling his nose. ?That?s ridiculous, mom. Seriously.?

?You have to do it because you need to understand that not everyone in the world does things the way we do them, and the more cultures you are able to understand, respect and function within, the more well-rounded you will be as a human being.?

?Why does he think that?s good?? asked my son, honestly wanting an answer.

?To Steve, calling him Mr. Lane tells him you respect him.?

?But it tells me he doesn?t respect me,? said my son. ?In my culture, we don?t do that.?

Steve?s response to this reaction, when I relayed it to him later, was to laugh.

?Kids these days have no manners,? he said. ?I?m the adult. Kids don?t just get respect from adults, they earn it. One of the best feelings as a young man is growing to an age where you realize now it?s your turn to be called sir.?

I am not sure how it will go tomorrow when they actually meet face-to-face, but this entire episode has made me realize something important. As with all words and concepts, the idea of ?respect? is something that many cultures view and handle differently.

For me and Alexander, as liberal university-area types, respect is not shown through an overt display of dominance and submission. It is, rather, shown through a peaceful tolerance for people different from ourselves, be they children, the elderly, or those whose skin tones or nations of birth are not like ours. For us, respect is all about listening to other people and giving them room to be who they are, separate from ourselves, and not trying to control them. It gets tricky, of course, when the ?difference? you are ?respecting? as a liberal requires you to, well, not act like a liberal.

For my conservative boyfriend, meanwhile, respect is not so esoteric a concept. It is quite clearly defined, and has less to do with tolerance and acceptance of differences than it does with conforming to an accepted and expected hierarchy of power and social behaviors. You are older than I am, so I must call you sir. You are younger than I am, so you will be silent unless I ask for your opinion. For those raised in conservative (and generally patriarchal) homes, this type of behavior is comforting, and builds bridges of trust and understanding between people. What liberals fail to understand about this type of interplay is that it is not just about dominance; there is an exchange of effort that occurs ? which is to say, the ?subordinate? person, by showing deference to the dominant one, can expect to be rewarded with protection and care, which are also forms of respect.

Steve and I are, as we so often do, using the same word to describe vastly different concepts, emotions and expectations. This distinction is nothing less than a language barrier between progressives and conservatives, and I see it playing out on a grand scale in our national politics every day, with dire consequences for all of us. It?s not that we?re all that different, fundamentally and as human beings; it is more that we express our differences with the same language and often become too frustrated to try to see beyond the other?s failure to conform to our dictionary. I wish more of us would make an effort to really understand what people mean when they say things like ?respect,? or ?patriotism,? or ?freedom?. We are technically speaking the same language, but we?re absolutely not saying the same things with the same words. We are, however, saying the same basic things most of the time, in different ways.

I am curious to hear from you, my dear readers, about what respect means to you, and would be very interested in knowing your thoughts on the notion of formality when addressing your elders and superiors.

Source: http://selfmademujer.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/introducing-my-progressive-son-to-my-conservative-boyfriend/

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